UPS AND DOWNS .. THAT'S HOW IT'S GOING TO BE !!!

Well I have had a strange few weeks, when I get like that I seem to stay away from here and try to keep my distance from Facebook and twitter ..
I have moments when I let myself get dragged away with the negativity and believe every things that its says .. then ill get a small break where I am able to say .. Oh Just Fuck Off .. (Sorry if some do not appreciate the swearing but when I swear . I mean it !!)
But then I am exhausted from it all, I was also quite devastated that I had gone 'down again' after having months of feeling great but I must admit I knew it was coming, it kinda of had to happen so I could realise that I could get through it.
It started with waking up feeling very low, I recognised those feelings and immediately went into panic mode, which of course is the worst thing to do, then I was anxious and agitated at the thought of what was to come, I let myself go through this for about 4days, 4 days of talking to myself, fighting with my thoughts and generally feeling like shit, then it suddenly dawned on me that I had done this before and got through it .. and how did I do that??  Well I retraced my steps of all I had achieved and fought for .. Surely I could do this again as I am in control .. I control my thoughts ... I control ME !!!  With that in my mind and feeling rather positive and strong I said .. NO MORE .. IVE BEEN HERE ALREADY .. WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN .. Im just having a few days just like everyone else gets sometime, why am I blowing it out of control   (I am able to do this very well  :-)  ) I need to be a bit kinder to myself and give myself a break, its not the end of the world .. I do have depression .. but I am recovering, I'm not there yet and I am still learning the ups and down of it all but I got myself out of this down quite quickly and it was NO WAY near as bad as the last down was .. So what have I learnt ??  To still be proud of who I am, continue with my counseling, take my tablets, be kind to myself and live my life day by day .. Just like more than half of the worlds population and I am not alone, things will come and go, shit will happen just because it always does and it always come out of the blue, what will I do, well I will try to fix the things I can and the things I cannot .. Well, there is nothing I can do about that, try not to worry too much, especially about the little things.
One thing I have realised is that all the things I thought were important .. well they turned out not to be .. Family, Friends, Love, Happiness, Health and Understanding is all we need and I am lucky enough to say that I have all that.
Well guys there are ups and downs as I'm sure you well know, we all have them .. everyone .. Just try to stay focused and do whatever you can to find some positivity, be kind to yourself and above you BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE .. BECAUSE YOU ARE SPECIAL IN EVERY WAY AND THE WORLD NEEDS US TO PASS ON OUR EXPERIENCES TO HELP OTHERS ..

TELL THE STORY .. END THE STIGMA !!!

Hi all,
I not only have this website I also have a Face book page (https://www.facebook.com/IHaveMentalHealthIssues)and a Twitter account (Sunny Days @PosiTiviTyWiNs) It has shocked me the amount of people that have read, re-tweeted, liked, commented, and emailed me with their support, understanding, stories and poems, it has made me feel that I am doing something good in my road to recovery, this has been very important to me and I hope in some way it has helped you guys.

If you are like me and came here for advice and understating I hope you received that, I am not a Doctor or Counselor I am just a normal ordinary person telling my story to you all and if it helps anyone then I have achieved so much. Accepting where you are and understanding it is the key to recovery, never be ashmed of who you are and what has happened to you, every thing happens for a reason, I myself am a better person from going through what I have as I was able to change so much that I did not like but had pretending for many years that I did, I am not out the other side yet .. but I will be. :-) .. Find!!  find someone to talk to as talking is so important, if you find it hard to talk then write it down your thought, feelings and worries, get on the internet and find others that sufferer like us, it helps so much when you realise their problems are the same as yours. Read !! .. get as much information as you can, this helped me so much as I was able to control my thoughts and feelings with all the information I have gained. Go !!! go to your Doctor, they will help and give you advice and there are so many places to go to to get advice and help, please don't suffer alone and in silence. I am here if you need me xxx 

If you came here to understand a loved one then my advice is this it's going to be hard .. very hard and it is a long journey but please just be as understanding as you possible can be, be the one to listen to the madness that makes no sense, because it makes no sense to us either, be the one who loves no matter what and tell them that you love them often, be the one who does not judge the thoughts and feelings we have that are so up and down, be the one who will put your arms around us and hold on tightly when we are so scared and we don't know what are why we are scared, be that one that we can trust with all the confusion and helplessness that is going on in our mind and body,  be the one to hold our hand when we see the doctor for the first time, be the one to sit outside when we visit the counselor for the first time because its so very scarey .. Be that one .. PLEASE .. Because we need you now more than ever .. But I promise you this .. Depression is just a visitor .. an evil one at that !! but just a visitor.

If you came here because you think .. like many do .. that we should just 'get over it' then I need to tell you this is an illness, it is a disease, it is soul destroying, it sucks all the happiness and hope that we ever had in our complete being. Let me ask you this .. have you ever closed your eyes and wished to god they would not open again?? Have you ever felt as if being dead would feel better than what you are feeling right now?? If you have not then you have to room to judge us ... I was a happy go lucky girl with a fab family, two wonderful kids and a partner to die for .. what happened to me .. LIFE happened .. I cant explain it but I can tell you that if it  weren't for my family, my kids, a few friends, my doctor and my wonderful counselor .. Oh .. and medication I really don't think I would be here telling you this .. I used to think that anyone who committed suicide was selfish and it was a 'cowards way out' .. I now know different, when I hear of a suicide all I think now is .. My god, they didn't or couldn't get the help they needed, it makes me sad and very helpless as I know that could have been me.
Please don't judge before you really know, not just in this case but in life in general. Everyone you walk past in the street is fighting, fighting for one thing or another .. Life is not easy, its not meant to be but we are all different .. some of us are just fighting to stay alive. Have a thought for these people just for a minute, maybe smile or ask someone if they are 'OK' .. you wouldn't believe how good it feels to be kind, it lifts the spirit, not just for you but for them as well.
I did not want this to happened to me but it did, I have come to terms with it now and am able to make steps to recover but if I did not have understanding people around me things would have been very different.
Depression IS a disease .. it IS an illness that NEEDS treatment .. Please help me to end the stigma .. its about time.

If you are my family, friends, loved ones, My Doctor or Counselor .. Thank you .. Thank you .. Thank you .. I love you all and owe you all so much. xxx

I can only describe this weekend just gone as one of the most important of me to get through .  And I did, with flying colours I might add. 
As usual I was gearing myself up towards it with agitation, nervousness and panic, this seems to be what I do now when I know something big is coming where I have no choice but to get on with it. I start worrying about all sorts of things before anything has even happened .. I never used to be like that, I used to love being with people, laughing, dancing, drinking .. Socialising .. Now its a daunting prospect and I am forever thinking 'I wish I didn't have to do this' .. 'What if I can't' .. 'What do I say' 'I have to find a way out of this' ...
These are all the stupid things I say and do to myself which makes me convince myself I am not ready to do things .. But this is so far from the truth .. I was able to do, I did do it .. And I loved it..

I am talking about a simple family party here !!!   It was a special one as my son turned from a boy to a man, so it was important for me to be at my best, mind in order and feeling good .. but of course the start of the day I awoke with worry of what lay ahead of me, I was rushing around all day .. doing .. I don't know what !!!  just rushing and panicking. It wasn't until a few hours before all hell broke loose that I sat down and said to myself .. 'Come on !!! What are you thinking..this is your family, your friends, people that love you that are coming together for your son's day, STOP thinking that everything will go bad .. STOP thinking that you will be scared .. STOP thinking all these bad thoughts .. JUST STOP!!!!
You WILL have fun and you WILL love every minute of it ... Once I had took the pressure of myself I was able to calm down and realise this is not my day, this is my son's day .. And boy will I make sure he has fun .. A personal thank you from me to him for all he has done for me.
You know what .. I did have fun .. I danced, I laughed, I sang, I drank and I socialised .. Just like I used to do and the night was a fantastic night, everyone had fun.
When I woke up the next morning (without a hangover, just t let you know ;-))  I thought ..  I set myself up for things that are never likely to happen, I worry myself about things that don't need to be worried about ... All in All . I am my own worst enemy, I have to learn from this by trying to go along calmly with out panic, if things don't turn out well then its not the end of the world, some things I just cannot change and worrying, being scared of what is round the corner is just hurting me more.
Learning is something we will do all our lives, learning about ourselves and how to be kind to our selves is so important, just giving yourself a break from the stress and the thoughts that turn you into this nervous wreck .. Its about time I told them to LEAVE!!!  I am taking my life back .. Good Luck To Me !!!!

Well that is Easter over and done with, I got through it .. WooHoo !!  Every little thing that approaches me I try my hardest to hit it head on and when its over with I say to myself 'Well done, that's another achievement for you'.
My next big thing coming up is my sons 18th, I would usually have a big party at my house for all friends and family but have not been able to do that for quite a while, I used to have four house parties a year for my partners, two kids and my birthdays, the last birthday party I held was January 2012, that was my 40th and all went down hill from there .. So my sons 18th is a massive mile stone not only for him but also for me. I just cannot face having lots of people in my house and around me, being the hostess is not for me anymore, it comes with too much pressure and I think I would just crack under it so we have all opted for a night out in our local, where we will take over the place and have a good ole family knees-up (if your not English - knees-up  means a night of drinking, dancing, drinking, singing and drinking .. and drinking more .. LOL)
I am a bit nervous and anxious about it but also looking forward to it at the same time, I will just have to take it slowly and not put too much pressure on myself. I let you all know how it goes  :-)
I hope you all had a good Easter break and you have a good week ahead, think good positive thoughts, be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for all you have achieved .. sometimes we need to stop, think and take a look back to see just how far we have come.. xx

OK so its Easter weekend and for the majority of people they have a long weekend off to rest and recuperate from work, relax and recharge the batteries  .. But for me it is different and I'm sure for so many of you as well, I know I am on the road (very long road) to recovery as I can feel it but to do this I needed to  put plans in place for every day so when I woke up I knew what I had to do for the day or I would have either not got out of bed or just laid on the sofa in my pajamas drowning.
It is lovely to have my partner home and my kids off school because they are all such great company and look after me well .. but it throws me out of sync and I wake up not knowing what I am supposed to be doing for the day, every one is at home and talking at once .. LOL  So I am a little lost.
I know I have the strength to talk myself round, its hard but doable but they way I feel these days is I NEED to have order in my life and mind to be able to put things into perspective, It may sound silly to some but its what I have found I have to do, I have to get out of the house once a day even if its just a trip to the shops as it makes me get my self together or like I said I would just sit there going too far into myself .. So as much as I say 'Happy Easter' to you all, I will be thinking of those who feel like me, just a little trapped .. But hold on and be strong for If we can get through those days of darkness and evil .. We can get through anything xxx

The past few days have been good days, I have woken up with different thoughts in my mind and concentrating on the day ahead. I must admit to you that this website has helped me so much, just thinking of the people that have read my stories and poems has given me such a boost .. So thank you for that my friends.
I actually woke up at 10am .. this is the first time I have had a lie-in for over a year, this can only mean my mind is more at ease. I had a session with my counselor and I had decided to try to get to the bottom of where it all started and I can only pin point one thing and that was my 40th Birthday party in January 2012 this was something I was looking forward to so much but as soon as the day arrived I didn't want it to go ahead and when all my family and friends arrived I wanted them to go home, I just wanted to be alone and days just got worse and worse from there. I have also tried to go back over time with my counselor and have found out many things about myself, things I had wanted to change a long while ago but just didn't and ended up going along with things. I think the most important was realising I was unhappy and had been for years. Its funny how we just put up with stuff to make life easier when in fact it does not,  it finds a way of catching up with you at some point when you least expect it to.
Many things happened to me in 2012 right from the beginning of the year and I changed from a 'happy go lucky girl' into a 'frightened, negative girl who just wanted to be alone', I never even noticed that I had changed its only when I think back now I can see it, its seems we never know when we are in this state until we decided to start fighting back, I am fighting now and I will be fighting for a long time yet because I want my life back .. not how it used to be though as Ive taken the opportunity to change things, only little things but it has made such a difference. Being a little bit selfish was hard to do, considering my thoughts and feeling first was really hard as I have two kids and they always come first but as my counselor said to me 'you cannot look after anyone if you do not look after yourself first' she is right. I also had wanted to lose weight for so long but as I was such a big person I knew it would take ages to lose it so I kept putting it off , I was really unwell in October (when the depression hit me so hard it knocked me flying) I stopped eating .. not completely but I could only eat very small amounts, I drank so much water and exercised like crazy as I knew this would help me get better and I was prepared to do anything to help me get better .. so far as of today I have lots 46lb, the most I have ever lost, I still need to lose more but I'm half way there and I know I can make the rest.
I have always been the kind of person to try to find something good out of something bad and remind myself just how lucky I really am in my life, I had forgotten to be like that in 2012 but that has helped me get through some of the most toughest, ugliest and terrifying months of my life.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring me, I can only try today and there is not a damn thing I can do about yesterday.

25/03/2013

I have been overwhelmed by the response from this website and my Facebook page.
It is so very clear to me that so many people want to read, talk, understand and find information about Depression and the many mind altering things that go with it. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or any kind of Health Professional I am just an ordinary person with two kids that had a very bad break down and was diagnosed with Clinical Depression.
I am here just to let others know the pain that Depression brings into your life, I am also here to tell you all the dark, evil thoughts you get are part and parcel of Depression and I am here to tell you that Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attacks are just visitors, they will not always be there and you will get stronger and more positive as time goes by. Its true that you have to stay as positive as possible, now .. I know how hard that is because there are times when you just cannot brush the negativity aside and you end up going along down that dark tunnel with it, you don't even want to get out of bed let alone face the world .. I always felt at my most comfortable when I could shut my eyes, I did not have to see anything or deal with anything, I had days of just laying on the sofa in too much pain to move and days when the world just seemed to hard and I desperately  wanted this feeling to end so badly.
Through the help of understanding, information, medication and counseling I am able to tell you things do get better .. I promise, Its a long road and I am still not fully out of my depression but I can see that I am strong enough to get there.

I think now is the time to be able to stand up and say .. Yes, I had a breakdown .. Yes I am Clinically Depressed .. But Hey .. That's just life .. accept that I am unwell as you would any other with an illness and accept that with medication I will get better but as with any other illness it takes time, patience, love and understanding.
Thank you xxx

27/3/2013

I wanted to share with you all how I felt in November/December 2012. I wanted to write down the things I felt and the answers to them so when I was having a bad hour, day even week I could go back and talk myself round with the points.
When I look at it know the words remind me just how low and scared I was and also reminds me just how far I have come today.
My feelings.

Sweating – Possibly my thyroid.

I sweat, then I panic because I am sweating so I sweat more, the panics make me shaky so I am panicking, sweating and shaky all at once. So stop and think, how do you feel.. You feel well and the sweating is nothing to worry about so don’t worry about it and you will calm down and feel better.

Stomach.

I have been suffering with excess acid for over a year which the Doctor told me about in my scan.

When I get stressed I think I make my acid and heartburn worse, I also get confused with the feeling of doom in my stomach as it feels the same as being over hungry and indigestion so don’t jump to the first thought in your head that it is all doom and gloom.

Negative thoughts.

They come and they go, when they come don’t take too much notice of them as they are stupidly extreme, don’t worry about them as they don’t mean a thing to you and are not what you are about and you know that, when they come get up and do something to occupy your mind and they will go but do no panic with them, breathe and continue with doing something else, you know you can!!!

You have had numerous checks in the last year and all have come back with good results so you know there is nothing seriously wrong with you, yes you are depressed but so are many many other people.. Don’t give up as you will get there, there will be bad days and good days; remember the good as it seems we only ever remember the bad.

You have achieved so much over the last year, you wanted to lose weight and you have lost 45lb!! And you wanted to be healthier and you are, so continue with that as it will make you feel so much better.

Be proud of who you are and what you have achieved in your life, you are a very lucky person to have so many wonderful people in your life who know how you feel and understand, you are not alone.. always remember that !!!!