OK so its Easter weekend and for the majority of people they have a long weekend off to rest and recuperate from work, relax and recharge the batteries  .. But for me it is different and I'm sure for so many of you as well, I know I am on the road (very long road) to recovery as I can feel it but to do this I needed to  put plans in place for every day so when I woke up I knew what I had to do for the day or I would have either not got out of bed or just laid on the sofa in my pajamas drowning.
It is lovely to have my partner home and my kids off school because they are all such great company and look after me well .. but it throws me out of sync and I wake up not knowing what I am supposed to be doing for the day, every one is at home and talking at once .. LOL  So I am a little lost.
I know I have the strength to talk myself round, its hard but doable but they way I feel these days is I NEED to have order in my life and mind to be able to put things into perspective, It may sound silly to some but its what I have found I have to do, I have to get out of the house once a day even if its just a trip to the shops as it makes me get my self together or like I said I would just sit there going too far into myself .. So as much as I say 'Happy Easter' to you all, I will be thinking of those who feel like me, just a little trapped .. But hold on and be strong for If we can get through those days of darkness and evil .. We can get through anything xxx

The past few days have been good days, I have woken up with different thoughts in my mind and concentrating on the day ahead. I must admit to you that this website has helped me so much, just thinking of the people that have read my stories and poems has given me such a boost .. So thank you for that my friends.
I actually woke up at 10am .. this is the first time I have had a lie-in for over a year, this can only mean my mind is more at ease. I had a session with my counselor and I had decided to try to get to the bottom of where it all started and I can only pin point one thing and that was my 40th Birthday party in January 2012 this was something I was looking forward to so much but as soon as the day arrived I didn't want it to go ahead and when all my family and friends arrived I wanted them to go home, I just wanted to be alone and days just got worse and worse from there. I have also tried to go back over time with my counselor and have found out many things about myself, things I had wanted to change a long while ago but just didn't and ended up going along with things. I think the most important was realising I was unhappy and had been for years. Its funny how we just put up with stuff to make life easier when in fact it does not,  it finds a way of catching up with you at some point when you least expect it to.
Many things happened to me in 2012 right from the beginning of the year and I changed from a 'happy go lucky girl' into a 'frightened, negative girl who just wanted to be alone', I never even noticed that I had changed its only when I think back now I can see it, its seems we never know when we are in this state until we decided to start fighting back, I am fighting now and I will be fighting for a long time yet because I want my life back .. not how it used to be though as Ive taken the opportunity to change things, only little things but it has made such a difference. Being a little bit selfish was hard to do, considering my thoughts and feeling first was really hard as I have two kids and they always come first but as my counselor said to me 'you cannot look after anyone if you do not look after yourself first' she is right. I also had wanted to lose weight for so long but as I was such a big person I knew it would take ages to lose it so I kept putting it off , I was really unwell in October (when the depression hit me so hard it knocked me flying) I stopped eating .. not completely but I could only eat very small amounts, I drank so much water and exercised like crazy as I knew this would help me get better and I was prepared to do anything to help me get better .. so far as of today I have lots 46lb, the most I have ever lost, I still need to lose more but I'm half way there and I know I can make the rest.
I have always been the kind of person to try to find something good out of something bad and remind myself just how lucky I really am in my life, I had forgotten to be like that in 2012 but that has helped me get through some of the most toughest, ugliest and terrifying months of my life.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring me, I can only try today and there is not a damn thing I can do about yesterday.

25/03/2013

I have been overwhelmed by the response from this website and my Facebook page.
It is so very clear to me that so many people want to read, talk, understand and find information about Depression and the many mind altering things that go with it. I am not a Doctor, Counselor or any kind of Health Professional I am just an ordinary person with two kids that had a very bad break down and was diagnosed with Clinical Depression.
I am here just to let others know the pain that Depression brings into your life, I am also here to tell you all the dark, evil thoughts you get are part and parcel of Depression and I am here to tell you that Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attacks are just visitors, they will not always be there and you will get stronger and more positive as time goes by. Its true that you have to stay as positive as possible, now .. I know how hard that is because there are times when you just cannot brush the negativity aside and you end up going along down that dark tunnel with it, you don't even want to get out of bed let alone face the world .. I always felt at my most comfortable when I could shut my eyes, I did not have to see anything or deal with anything, I had days of just laying on the sofa in too much pain to move and days when the world just seemed to hard and I desperately  wanted this feeling to end so badly.
Through the help of understanding, information, medication and counseling I am able to tell you things do get better .. I promise, Its a long road and I am still not fully out of my depression but I can see that I am strong enough to get there.

I think now is the time to be able to stand up and say .. Yes, I had a breakdown .. Yes I am Clinically Depressed .. But Hey .. That's just life .. accept that I am unwell as you would any other with an illness and accept that with medication I will get better but as with any other illness it takes time, patience, love and understanding.
Thank you xxx

27/3/2013

I wanted to share with you all how I felt in November/December 2012. I wanted to write down the things I felt and the answers to them so when I was having a bad hour, day even week I could go back and talk myself round with the points.
When I look at it know the words remind me just how low and scared I was and also reminds me just how far I have come today.
My feelings.

Sweating – Possibly my thyroid.

I sweat, then I panic because I am sweating so I sweat more, the panics make me shaky so I am panicking, sweating and shaky all at once. So stop and think, how do you feel.. You feel well and the sweating is nothing to worry about so don’t worry about it and you will calm down and feel better.

Stomach.

I have been suffering with excess acid for over a year which the Doctor told me about in my scan.

When I get stressed I think I make my acid and heartburn worse, I also get confused with the feeling of doom in my stomach as it feels the same as being over hungry and indigestion so don’t jump to the first thought in your head that it is all doom and gloom.

Negative thoughts.

They come and they go, when they come don’t take too much notice of them as they are stupidly extreme, don’t worry about them as they don’t mean a thing to you and are not what you are about and you know that, when they come get up and do something to occupy your mind and they will go but do no panic with them, breathe and continue with doing something else, you know you can!!!

You have had numerous checks in the last year and all have come back with good results so you know there is nothing seriously wrong with you, yes you are depressed but so are many many other people.. Don’t give up as you will get there, there will be bad days and good days; remember the good as it seems we only ever remember the bad.

You have achieved so much over the last year, you wanted to lose weight and you have lost 45lb!! And you wanted to be healthier and you are, so continue with that as it will make you feel so much better.

Be proud of who you are and what you have achieved in your life, you are a very lucky person to have so many wonderful people in your life who know how you feel and understand, you are not alone.. always remember that !!!!