TELL THE STORY .. END THE STIGMA !!!

Hi all,
I not only have this website I also have a Face book page (https://www.facebook.com/IHaveMentalHealthIssues)and a Twitter account (Sunny Days @PosiTiviTyWiNs) It has shocked me the amount of people that have read, re-tweeted, liked, commented, and emailed me with their support, understanding, stories and poems, it has made me feel that I am doing something good in my road to recovery, this has been very important to me and I hope in some way it has helped you guys.

If you are like me and came here for advice and understating I hope you received that, I am not a Doctor or Counselor I am just a normal ordinary person telling my story to you all and if it helps anyone then I have achieved so much. Accepting where you are and understanding it is the key to recovery, never be ashmed of who you are and what has happened to you, every thing happens for a reason, I myself am a better person from going through what I have as I was able to change so much that I did not like but had pretending for many years that I did, I am not out the other side yet .. but I will be. :-) .. Find!!  find someone to talk to as talking is so important, if you find it hard to talk then write it down your thought, feelings and worries, get on the internet and find others that sufferer like us, it helps so much when you realise their problems are the same as yours. Read !! .. get as much information as you can, this helped me so much as I was able to control my thoughts and feelings with all the information I have gained. Go !!! go to your Doctor, they will help and give you advice and there are so many places to go to to get advice and help, please don't suffer alone and in silence. I am here if you need me xxx 

If you came here to understand a loved one then my advice is this it's going to be hard .. very hard and it is a long journey but please just be as understanding as you possible can be, be the one to listen to the madness that makes no sense, because it makes no sense to us either, be the one who loves no matter what and tell them that you love them often, be the one who does not judge the thoughts and feelings we have that are so up and down, be the one who will put your arms around us and hold on tightly when we are so scared and we don't know what are why we are scared, be that one that we can trust with all the confusion and helplessness that is going on in our mind and body,  be the one to hold our hand when we see the doctor for the first time, be the one to sit outside when we visit the counselor for the first time because its so very scarey .. Be that one .. PLEASE .. Because we need you now more than ever .. But I promise you this .. Depression is just a visitor .. an evil one at that !! but just a visitor.

If you came here because you think .. like many do .. that we should just 'get over it' then I need to tell you this is an illness, it is a disease, it is soul destroying, it sucks all the happiness and hope that we ever had in our complete being. Let me ask you this .. have you ever closed your eyes and wished to god they would not open again?? Have you ever felt as if being dead would feel better than what you are feeling right now?? If you have not then you have to room to judge us ... I was a happy go lucky girl with a fab family, two wonderful kids and a partner to die for .. what happened to me .. LIFE happened .. I cant explain it but I can tell you that if it  weren't for my family, my kids, a few friends, my doctor and my wonderful counselor .. Oh .. and medication I really don't think I would be here telling you this .. I used to think that anyone who committed suicide was selfish and it was a 'cowards way out' .. I now know different, when I hear of a suicide all I think now is .. My god, they didn't or couldn't get the help they needed, it makes me sad and very helpless as I know that could have been me.
Please don't judge before you really know, not just in this case but in life in general. Everyone you walk past in the street is fighting, fighting for one thing or another .. Life is not easy, its not meant to be but we are all different .. some of us are just fighting to stay alive. Have a thought for these people just for a minute, maybe smile or ask someone if they are 'OK' .. you wouldn't believe how good it feels to be kind, it lifts the spirit, not just for you but for them as well.
I did not want this to happened to me but it did, I have come to terms with it now and am able to make steps to recover but if I did not have understanding people around me things would have been very different.
Depression IS a disease .. it IS an illness that NEEDS treatment .. Please help me to end the stigma .. its about time.

If you are my family, friends, loved ones, My Doctor or Counselor .. Thank you .. Thank you .. Thank you .. I love you all and owe you all so much. xxx

I can only describe this weekend just gone as one of the most important of me to get through .  And I did, with flying colours I might add. 
As usual I was gearing myself up towards it with agitation, nervousness and panic, this seems to be what I do now when I know something big is coming where I have no choice but to get on with it. I start worrying about all sorts of things before anything has even happened .. I never used to be like that, I used to love being with people, laughing, dancing, drinking .. Socialising .. Now its a daunting prospect and I am forever thinking 'I wish I didn't have to do this' .. 'What if I can't' .. 'What do I say' 'I have to find a way out of this' ...
These are all the stupid things I say and do to myself which makes me convince myself I am not ready to do things .. But this is so far from the truth .. I was able to do, I did do it .. And I loved it..

I am talking about a simple family party here !!!   It was a special one as my son turned from a boy to a man, so it was important for me to be at my best, mind in order and feeling good .. but of course the start of the day I awoke with worry of what lay ahead of me, I was rushing around all day .. doing .. I don't know what !!!  just rushing and panicking. It wasn't until a few hours before all hell broke loose that I sat down and said to myself .. 'Come on !!! What are you thinking..this is your family, your friends, people that love you that are coming together for your son's day, STOP thinking that everything will go bad .. STOP thinking that you will be scared .. STOP thinking all these bad thoughts .. JUST STOP!!!!
You WILL have fun and you WILL love every minute of it ... Once I had took the pressure of myself I was able to calm down and realise this is not my day, this is my son's day .. And boy will I make sure he has fun .. A personal thank you from me to him for all he has done for me.
You know what .. I did have fun .. I danced, I laughed, I sang, I drank and I socialised .. Just like I used to do and the night was a fantastic night, everyone had fun.
When I woke up the next morning (without a hangover, just t let you know ;-))  I thought ..  I set myself up for things that are never likely to happen, I worry myself about things that don't need to be worried about ... All in All . I am my own worst enemy, I have to learn from this by trying to go along calmly with out panic, if things don't turn out well then its not the end of the world, some things I just cannot change and worrying, being scared of what is round the corner is just hurting me more.
Learning is something we will do all our lives, learning about ourselves and how to be kind to our selves is so important, just giving yourself a break from the stress and the thoughts that turn you into this nervous wreck .. Its about time I told them to LEAVE!!!  I am taking my life back .. Good Luck To Me !!!!

Well that is Easter over and done with, I got through it .. WooHoo !!  Every little thing that approaches me I try my hardest to hit it head on and when its over with I say to myself 'Well done, that's another achievement for you'.
My next big thing coming up is my sons 18th, I would usually have a big party at my house for all friends and family but have not been able to do that for quite a while, I used to have four house parties a year for my partners, two kids and my birthdays, the last birthday party I held was January 2012, that was my 40th and all went down hill from there .. So my sons 18th is a massive mile stone not only for him but also for me. I just cannot face having lots of people in my house and around me, being the hostess is not for me anymore, it comes with too much pressure and I think I would just crack under it so we have all opted for a night out in our local, where we will take over the place and have a good ole family knees-up (if your not English - knees-up  means a night of drinking, dancing, drinking, singing and drinking .. and drinking more .. LOL)
I am a bit nervous and anxious about it but also looking forward to it at the same time, I will just have to take it slowly and not put too much pressure on myself. I let you all know how it goes  :-)
I hope you all had a good Easter break and you have a good week ahead, think good positive thoughts, be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for all you have achieved .. sometimes we need to stop, think and take a look back to see just how far we have come.. xx