The past few days have been good days, I have woken up with different thoughts in my mind and concentrating on the day ahead. I must admit to you that this website has helped me so much, just thinking of the people that have read my stories and poems has given me such a boost .. So thank you for that my friends.
I actually woke up at 10am .. this is the first time I have had a lie-in for over a year, this can only mean my mind is more at ease. I had a session with my counselor and I had decided to try to get to the bottom of where it all started and I can only pin point one thing and that was my 40th Birthday party in January 2012 this was something I was looking forward to so much but as soon as the day arrived I didn't want it to go ahead and when all my family and friends arrived I wanted them to go home, I just wanted to be alone and days just got worse and worse from there. I have also tried to go back over time with my counselor and have found out many things about myself, things I had wanted to change a long while ago but just didn't and ended up going along with things. I think the most important was realising I was unhappy and had been for years. Its funny how we just put up with stuff to make life easier when in fact it does not, it finds a way of catching up with you at some point when you least expect it to.
Many things happened to me in 2012 right from the beginning of the year and I changed from a 'happy go lucky girl' into a 'frightened, negative girl who just wanted to be alone', I never even noticed that I had changed its only when I think back now I can see it, its seems we never know when we are in this state until we decided to start fighting back, I am fighting now and I will be fighting for a long time yet because I want my life back .. not how it used to be though as Ive taken the opportunity to change things, only little things but it has made such a difference. Being a little bit selfish was hard to do, considering my thoughts and feeling first was really hard as I have two kids and they always come first but as my counselor said to me 'you cannot look after anyone if you do not look after yourself first' she is right. I also had wanted to lose weight for so long but as I was such a big person I knew it would take ages to lose it so I kept putting it off , I was really unwell in October (when the depression hit me so hard it knocked me flying) I stopped eating .. not completely but I could only eat very small amounts, I drank so much water and exercised like crazy as I knew this would help me get better and I was prepared to do anything to help me get better .. so far as of today I have lots 46lb, the most I have ever lost, I still need to lose more but I'm half way there and I know I can make the rest.
I have always been the kind of person to try to find something good out of something bad and remind myself just how lucky I really am in my life, I had forgotten to be like that in 2012 but that has helped me get through some of the most toughest, ugliest and terrifying months of my life.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring me, I can only try today and there is not a damn thing I can do about yesterday.
I actually woke up at 10am .. this is the first time I have had a lie-in for over a year, this can only mean my mind is more at ease. I had a session with my counselor and I had decided to try to get to the bottom of where it all started and I can only pin point one thing and that was my 40th Birthday party in January 2012 this was something I was looking forward to so much but as soon as the day arrived I didn't want it to go ahead and when all my family and friends arrived I wanted them to go home, I just wanted to be alone and days just got worse and worse from there. I have also tried to go back over time with my counselor and have found out many things about myself, things I had wanted to change a long while ago but just didn't and ended up going along with things. I think the most important was realising I was unhappy and had been for years. Its funny how we just put up with stuff to make life easier when in fact it does not, it finds a way of catching up with you at some point when you least expect it to.
Many things happened to me in 2012 right from the beginning of the year and I changed from a 'happy go lucky girl' into a 'frightened, negative girl who just wanted to be alone', I never even noticed that I had changed its only when I think back now I can see it, its seems we never know when we are in this state until we decided to start fighting back, I am fighting now and I will be fighting for a long time yet because I want my life back .. not how it used to be though as Ive taken the opportunity to change things, only little things but it has made such a difference. Being a little bit selfish was hard to do, considering my thoughts and feeling first was really hard as I have two kids and they always come first but as my counselor said to me 'you cannot look after anyone if you do not look after yourself first' she is right. I also had wanted to lose weight for so long but as I was such a big person I knew it would take ages to lose it so I kept putting it off , I was really unwell in October (when the depression hit me so hard it knocked me flying) I stopped eating .. not completely but I could only eat very small amounts, I drank so much water and exercised like crazy as I knew this would help me get better and I was prepared to do anything to help me get better .. so far as of today I have lots 46lb, the most I have ever lost, I still need to lose more but I'm half way there and I know I can make the rest.
I have always been the kind of person to try to find something good out of something bad and remind myself just how lucky I really am in my life, I had forgotten to be like that in 2012 but that has helped me get through some of the most toughest, ugliest and terrifying months of my life.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring me, I can only try today and there is not a damn thing I can do about yesterday.
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