It Is Time TO SPEAK OUT ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH .... Here is my story ..
I am a 41 year old woman with two wonderful children and a fantastic partner and I am clinically depressed.
I am not ashamed of this .. why should I be!!
Life is hard and we get stressed, some people get through that and some don't, we are all different.
I thought my life was going well and I was happy but in January 2012 my life seemed to spiral out of control and I had no idea why, to be honest I didn't even notice what was happening to me at the time.
I was in a whirlpool of destruction and all I could think about was I was surely about to die at any moment and nobody else could see it or understand it.
I went through nearly and entire year of going back and forth to my Doctor complaining of headaches and pain, I was sure I was going to have a heart attack and even called an ambulance for myself twice ending up in casualty on heart monitors only to be sent home with a clean bill of health but as I kept pushing my Doctor I ended up having chest scans and a 24 hour heart tape twice and still I was not convinced, as my headaches would not go away so I was also convinced I had a brain tumor. I could list the endless issues of problems that I was sure I had and believe me I thought I had many, many things wrong but I never once thought there was anything wrong with the way I was thinking. I only spoke of this to my partner and my mum ( soon I was to realise that everybody could see I had changed). It was not until October 2012 that my Mum could see how unwell I was becoming and advised me to see my Doctor for a chat and she would come with me, I really did not want her too because I knew she would tell him everything but I also knew I had too and yes she told him everything and that was the moment I realised there was something wrong with me and my world came crashing down around me.
It was the first time I had admitted to myself that I had a problem but still I did not know what is was, it was my Doctor that got it all out of me, we did a questionnaire and from that he told me I was clinically depressed. I had no idea what that was and that sent me into a panic, my Doctor suggested I go on anti-depressants which would make me feel better and then I left, collected my medication (Fluoxetine) and went home hoping I would feel better the next day.
Unfortunately for me Fluoxetine did not work, I did not know that some anti-depressant work and some do not, its all trial and error.
I was in no way prepared to where the Fluoxetine was about to take me and nor was my family.
All of a sudden I was thrown into this dark world, I was so terrified of my own thoughts and I truly thought I was going crazy, this terrified me further. I was having panic attack after panic attack, agitated and anxious and having suicidal thoughts, even though my Doctor suggested I come off of Fluoxetine as I was having bad side effects the trauma of all this stayed with me for a very long time.
I had to wait a week for the medication to leave my body before I could take anything else so my Doctor gave me diazepam, this did calm me down but it also made me into a zombie, I took them for a week and never took them again (I still have one left in my cupboard to remind me just how bad things were), I knew I had to try and control my panic attacks and by taking diazepam I was not dealing with anything they were dealing with it for me... that was no good. In that week I go myself into such a terrible state as I did not understand what was happening to me and why I was feeling so so ill. I took myself into MIND, which luckily there is a office quite close to where I live, there I spoke with a man who understood me .. that felt amazing !! He told me to take the medication and with counseling I would feel better but it would be a long hard road, he made me feel normal and his chat was just what I needed, he also gave me an appointment to come along to see a counselor to be assessed, they was brilliant, someone called me that night and gave me an appointment for two days after.
I was so scared to go and see the counselor I was not sure what I should tell her, do I tell her I am suicidal, do I tell her I have a fear of knives and I am frightened to walked past them in the kitchen in case I pick one up and try to hurt myself .. surly she will section me. So I said goodbye to my kids and my partner truly thinking this was the last time I would see them and I walked down the road to MIND .. I would tell her I had to .. I was a danger to myself and other people, as soon as she sat me down I cried .. and I cried and I cried, I have honestly never ever cried that much in my life .. She listened and nodded and completely understood every word I was saying, she listened for over an hour and said to me I was not crazy and I was not mad .. I was scared and I needed therapy to get out all of the things I have kept inside for far too long.
I was so happy to be able to come home where I told my partner and kids just how much I loved them and promised I would get better but to give me time and patience to get there. I felt my mind was free, I was able to doze off on the couch (something i had not done for along time) I was able to sleep at night (again something I had not done for a long time)
The feeling of being understood is tremendous.
She gave me some leaflets on depression, panic attacks and anxiety which I read many times. It said exercise was the best medication for stress so I threw myself into exercise .. yes it does work, it stopped my headaches and made me feel good .. and I have lost quite a lot of weight as well but still the negative thoughts would play around in my head and the images of taking my own life.
I finally went on to Citalopram 20mg in November 2012 and felt the effects almost immediately. I'm not going to tell you that everything went 'back to normal' because It did not but slowly ... very slowly I felt the darkness lift and there was room for some positives to get in there, after a month on Citalopram I was put up to 30mg in December 2012, I was able to get through Christmas .. Just !!! And the months that followed were a lot better to cope with they were still up and down but I was learning to accept that, as my Doctor and counselor said .. Everybody has down days, moods are like the weather, some days are sunny and bright and others are dark and cloudy but its how we cope with them that is the difference.
Unfortunately my partners father passed away in February 2013 and it sent me into myself again but for him and my kids I had to be there and it was so very hard .. but I did it and was so proud of myself and I knew my partners dad would have been too, I had known him since I was 19 years old and was such a good man and fantastic grandad and he was so worried about me even in his last days.
I had to wait 12 weeks for a counselor as the waiting list was long but I crawled with all my strength and got to March and had my first meeting with my amazing counselor, I have had only 4 sessions with her but I have found out so much about myself.
I have learnt to be proud of who I am and all I have achieved and because of my depression I was able to change things in my life that I had wanted to change for so long, Ive learnt that I am a good mother, partner, daughter, sister, friend, niece ... person, I matter and what I say matters.. I am important and what I have been through is important .. So at the end of this day I have to say thank you for my depression because If this had not happened to me I would still be so unhappy in myself pretending I was happy..
I have to thank my partner for being there no matter what and understanding me completely, I love you so much.
And to my wonderful children, I love you to the moon and back again and I am so very proud of you both.
To my mummy .. what can I say mum, you are the best in the world, where would I be with out you. I love you more than you know.
To my friends .. you know who you are, you have been where I have, you've understood me, never judged me and always loved me.
My family .. My gosh I have the best family in the world, they have been and always will be there for me.
With all these great, good and helpful people around me you may think I must have never been or felt alone, well I did, you can be in a crowd of people you love and that loves you and still feel alone.
And to God, you listened to every word, you heard every prayer and you felt every tear.
Depression is a lonely illness and people are afraid to talk about it, Mental Illness has a terrible stigma attached to it ... and why ?? Because nobody understands or are educated about it. There are millions of people who either have been depressed are depressed or will be depressed .. If you don't know someone then that just means they are hiding it very well, take a closer look at your friends and loved ones, make sure they are OK .. Just ask someone today .. 'How are you feeling' ..
Stand up and be proud of who you are, learning to accept it is a big step to recovery ... Good Luck my friends and thank you for reading something I felt was very important to say xxx